Dear Annie: My older sister, “Jan,” who is nine years older than I am, has a long history of trying to sabotage my life in really hurtful ways. When our mom died in 2015, something happened that I have never been able to get over.
One day I was walking to see our mom — who lived across the street from Jan — and my sister called me and told me to stop by her place first. When I arrived she said mom had been taken to the ER and I shouldn’t be going to mom’s house. I reached for the phone to call the hospital, but Jan grabbed it and insisted that Mom said she didn’t want any visitors. So I didn’t go. A few weeks later, the mother died. I lived with the painful belief that she thought I had deliberately avoided her that day.
After Mom died, Jan threw out the photos of my late husband that were in Mom’s house and refused to let me get anything of sentimental value. My anger towards her has only grown, especially since extended family members keep blaming me for not going to see my mom that day. I want to tell them the truth about what Jan did, but I’m not sure if that’s the right thing to do. Any advice? — It still hurts
Dear Still Hurting: You’ve been carrying a load of guilt that doesn’t belong to you. You acted on the information your sister gave you, and if that information was false, it’s her fault – not yours.
If correcting the story brings you peace of mind, tell your relatives the simple truth: You’ve been told your mother doesn’t want visitors. Whether the family chooses to believe it is out of your hands.
When it comes to Jan, keep your expectations low and your distance reasonable. Remember that your love for a mother is not measured in one heartbreaking day.
“How can I forgive my cheating partner?” it’s out now! Annie Lane’s second anthology—featuring popular columns on marriage, infidelity, communication, and reconciliation—is available in paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.
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