Why do I feel so lonely on the internet today?
Breana Panaguiton/Unsplash
I’m glued to my phone right now. Like most people in the US, I get my news from a variety of apps—social media posts, podcasts, newsletters—and when things go bang (literally), I can’t look away. People in Minneapolis post videos of protests; experts publish essays on international law and the US attack on Venezuela. I have to use them all up! But the strangest thing is that the more I watch and read what others have to say, the lonelier I feel.
This is hardly a new or unique experience. Sociologists have been talking about this for almost 80 years. In 1950, scholars David Riesman, Nathan Glazer, and Reuel Denney published a book titled A lonely crowdin which they argued that the rise of consumerism and mass media has led to a new kind of personality type that is deeply sensitive to loneliness. They called this persona “a different focus,” and their descriptions seem surprisingly prescient in our era of social media and AI chatbots.
Other-oriented people are constantly attuned to what everyone around them is doing, and use the preferences of their peer groups to make decisions about what to buy, wear, and think. Because their values come from peers rather than elders or ancestors, they tend to be present-oriented and uninterested in history. Riesman and his colleagues warned that other-oriented people are obsessed with fitting in, eager to “be part of the crowd” and “have fun.” What other-oriented people fear more than anything is being alone.
All of these personality traits are instantly recognizable to social media people, with their peer pressure, parasocial relationships with influencers, and—especially these days—surveillance powers. We keep watching and watching each other. And because we’re afraid of being alone, companies make apps designed to trick us into thinking we’re not. That’s one of the insidious things about AI chatbots, some of which are designed act like friends.
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When we wall ourselves off from what we think others want, we are hiding from something fundamental
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At the heart of every other-oriented person is a paradox. While we may want to fit in, to be part of a group chat, we also want to feel unique. Riesman and his colleagues explained that consumerism itself alleviates this other-centered anxiety by offering “false personalization.” You experience it when you choose between six practically identical polo shirts in a store. When you choose one, you may feel like there is a special brand just for you, but basically all of these shirts are the same. You’ll end up wearing a polo shirt like everyone else.
This kind of false personalization keeps popping up in the algorithms that shape our online experiences. TikTok and other apps have a “for you” feed full of videos that are tailored to your specific tastes. And yet it’s shaped by an algorithm you don’t control, and whose purpose is pretty much to keep your eyes glued to the same app everyone else is glued to. It is “for you” in the service of conformity.
As people of different orientations, we are invited to express ourselves primarily by participating in peer groups or “engaging in the conversation,” as many advertisements suggest. We are turning into internet content, adding our words and videos to the mud of others online. Be yourself by showing that you are doing what everyone else is doing!
And yet we still feel lonely. In part, this is because in-person friendships and communities are fundamentally different from online ones. But there is something else going on here and I think it has to do with the personality shifts that are recorded in them A lonely crowd. When we wall ourselves off from what we think others want, we hide from something fundamental: our own truly personal, chaotic, eccentric, non-conforming desires. We cannot connect with other people in a real way if we do not know ourselves.
Riesman and his co-authors proposed two solutions to this differently focused problem. First, we need to reclaim our free hours from the hyper-consumptive realm of media. All the effort we put into paying attention to our peers is too much like work, they argued, and we need more free play. Which brings me to their second proposition, which is that people—and especially children—should experiment with new identities and experiences. Find out what you enjoy when no one tells you what “fun” is supposed to be. Do something you’ve never done before. Wear something dramatic or silly. Strike up a conversation with a neighbor you’ve never met. Let yourself be surprised. And you’ll see what it’s like to just… experiment.
You won’t find out who you are from the “for you” feed or the chatbot. So get off your phone, do something unexpected and be yourself for a while.
What am I reading?
Notes from Regicide, Isaac Fellman, a fantastic tale of rebellion and family drama.
What am I watching?
Fierce rivalry, because i know how to have fun
What I’m working on
Researching Sogdiana, my favorite ancient diaspora culture.
Annalee Newitz is a science journalist and writer. Their latest book is Automatic noodles. They co-host a Hugo-winning podcast Our opinions are correct. You can follow them @annaleen and their website is techsploitation.com
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