Except the tourists didn’t have Neser and certainly not Mitchell Starc. They had poor old Matthew Potts.
At various points in his first Test on Australian soil, the English skipper flirted with the fifth choice on the tour at the most expensive economy rate ever seen by a first bowler on these shores.
Potts’ numbers eventually improved from his first nine runs to more. The 27-year-old eventually managed to restrict Australia to just one boundary instead of two.
Brydon Carse matched him at the other end. The point that was made when he was first bowled the new ball in Adelaide still holds true – he had only played 20 overs of his domestic career in that role before being asked to do so with the Ashes on the line.
“England opted for the tactic of using the two worst bowlers in this innings with the new ball. Twice,” moaned Vaughan in the commentary.
When Steve Smith brought up his 50 with a crisp drive – who needs footwork when you’ve got a dead eye and half volleys to thrash? – made his favorite little U-shaped hand gesture.
Weird areas for anyone else. The ultimate alpha-ing in Steve Smith’s world.
Usman Khawaja was fed up with Cars – a 39-year-old outgoing if ever there was one.
And Alex Carey fell to Stokes’ trap on the leg side in the third Test in a row. Further proof that England have had their moments and that Carey will continue to be the target of a cursory glance on the leg until he gets the hang of it.
Perhaps most telling, however, was Jamie Smith marching to the stumps for Potts’ 125-130km/h offerings. In a bid to keep Steve Smith in his goal this summer, the England keeper has emulated Carey’s fine work to Neser and Scott Boland this summer.
Yet even as the ball began to shoot low on the worn SCG deck, Steve Smith still taxed the risk-free boundaries from the generous wides that Potts offered.
Two months (and 16 days of Test cricket) ago, England arrived for the Ashes with Jofra Archer and Mark Wood leading an attack dubbed one of the fastest ever to fly under St George’s Cross.
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The wood lasted 11 crossings. Archer struck late in Brisbane, backed it up with a few flurries in Adelaide before bowing out of the series with a side strain. Gus Atkinson followed with a torn hamstring.
Josh Tongue has since become the tourists’ most threatening bowler, Carse has tried and fallen too short and Stokes, as usual, has run into the ground.
At one point in the afternoon, Ollie Pope and Jacks almost collided while trying to field a single. And when another run was pinched off the flat-footed Duckett at cover, Stokes cut a sweaty, swearing, sunburned figure as he trudged back to his bowling mark.
It was perhaps the most fitting shot of all in England’s presentation of the Ashes.
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