Asking Eric: Banning my brother-in-law from Thanksgiving until I get the apology I’m owed

Dear Erik: My brother-in-law (never known for tact or diplomacy) came to our house for Thanksgiving dinner where we had 15 people. Getting everything on the table in time is always a challenge, but every year people show up, eat, drink and be merry.

This year, my brother-in-law announced twice in a loud, incoherent voice, “This turkey is ice cold!” It wasn’t hot because it was pulled out of the oven to be carved and make room for everything else that had to go in, and because of all the things the other guests showed up with, it needed to be warmed up. But it wasn’t cold. Then he left early and told me the dinner was too crowded.

I was angry, my husband was angry. The next day he texted my brother-in-law about it. My brother-in-law replied that “I eat too much for dinner” (which is actually kind of rich of him since he hasn’t hosted anything in years).

I saw him that same weekend at another family function (with catering held elsewhere) and he immediately came over to tell me what had gone wrong with the dinner. I said “NO” and refused to talk to him.

I told my husband I wouldn’t have him again until he apologized. My husband thinks I’m unrealistic. Thoughts?

– Leave him Cold Turkey

Dear Quitting: Kudos to you for not dropping an ice-cold turkey right into his lap. He absolutely owes you an apology. It sounds like he is dealing with mental or emotional issues that are affecting his ability to respond appropriately. You are implying that he has always been this way. So, when your husband says you’re being unrealistic, he might be saying, “Well, you know what he’s like. What can be done?”

But there’s a big difference between knowing a relative is a pill and loving them through it, and between having a relative insult you and just suck it up. You don’t have to accept it. Our actions have consequences. And it’s realistic to hold other adults accountable when they act.

Your brother-in-law doesn’t act like someone who wants to keep being invited. As long as he doesn’t apologize, he can eat his own turkey at any temperature he wants.

Send inquiries to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him at Instagram and subscribe to his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.