Dear Annie: I recently learned that a large part of my life has been built on secrets. My mother, now suffering from dementia, does not realize that she has begun to admit things she has hidden for decades.
I have two sisters and a very strained relationship with both of them. We were raised by troubled parents and they didn’t teach us right. My mom tried and did what she could, but with one sister she was definitely the favorite. That sister has gotten involved in crime over the years and hurt so many people, including me.
I always felt that there was something wrong with their relationship and as my sister she could do no wrong in my mother’s eyes. I just found out that over 35 years ago this sister had a baby while on drugs and the father was my ex boyfriend. He slept not only with me and my sister, but also with my mother. He is the father of my sister’s baby girl, who was later put up for adoption.
This left a wound that is wide open and not healing. Please give me an idea how to close it. — A life of lies
Dear Life of Lies: What you revealed would shock anyone. You’re dealing with not just one betrayal, but a whole mess of them that has completely changed your perspective on your family and your childhood. I can’t imagine how painful it must have been for you to deal with that.
Allow yourself the space to feel it all—the pain, the anger, the confusion, and the sadness. You don’t feel pressured to forgive right away. A good therapist can help you manage this.
You can’t change the past, but you can choose what you carry forward. You have to decide what kind of life you want now and who belongs in it. This choice is the beginning of your healing.
“How can I forgive my cheating partner?” it’s out now! Annie Lane’s second anthology—featuring popular columns on marriage, infidelity, communication, and reconciliation—is available in paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.
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