Dear Erik: My husband and I have been together for 11 years. He has one daughter (43) with two young children whom I adore and with whom I was close until last summer when the volcano erupted.
From the beginning of our relationship, I tried to be loving and generous to his daughter. He treats me entitled and ungrateful.
It’s my fault for not standing up early when I joined the family. For example, I wish to say thank you for gifts, babysitting, making holidays happen, having them over for dinner, and so on.
He doesn’t seem to care about me at all. Her father does not stand up to her and seems afraid of her.
I blasted her in a text last summer and let her know what I thought of her behavior.
I called her a manipulative user and let her know my truth, which is definitely not her truth. I have apologized twice in two letters for being so harsh, but she won’t forgive me, allow me to fix it, or let me see the grandkids. Her father won’t help her. This is hurting our marriage.
She misses the little ones terribly and has been crying for months about it. Yes, I am in therapy and hope my husband will go to couples counseling together. Funny, he’s a psychotherapist. I would be very grateful if you could offer us your help.
– Missing family
Dear Family: Ask yourself what you have the power to change and what you have to accept even if you don’t like it.
For example, you should probably come to terms with the fact that the relationship with your husband’s daughter is not serving either of you right now. And it’s probably because her relationship with your husband is not healthy. It is likely that some of the frustration you feel stems from a desire to change something that is beyond your control.
You write that your husband will not help you. If you want him to force his daughter to accept your apology, it may not actually be helpful. Unfortunately, while your relationship with your grandchildren may have been healthy, the other relationships that support it are less so.
So, what can you change? Well, you take the most important first step by working on yourself in therapy. If your husband won’t go to couples counseling (which he should), ask him why and ask him what he suggests to help the two of you communicate better.
Send inquiries to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him at Instagram and subscribe to his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
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