Dear Annie: I think my partner is running away from me and I don’t know how to reach out to her without breaking both of our hearts.
My wife “Laura” is 68. We have been together for 40 years. She was always organized. When the kids were little, she could tell you where every permission slip, tax form, and missing sock lived in our house. She balanced her checkbook down to the penny and never forgot a birthday.
Something has changed in the last year. At first it was little things. She started constantly dropping her keys and glasses. We’d laugh and say, “Well, we’re getting old,” and move on. But slowly it stopped being funny.
A few months ago, she wandered by car to our grandson’s school, a route she had driven dozens of times. She called me from the parking lot in tears saying the streets “don’t look good” anymore. She repeats the same question three or four times an evening and then gets defensive when I gently remind her that she has already asked. Last week I found the stove burner still on, hours after she finished cooking.
The bills she always handled remain unpaid. She missed the dentist appointment she was sure she had made. She insists we’ve talked about things I know we haven’t, and sometimes she looks at me with a kind of panic, like she’s trying to catch a word or a memory that’s just slipping out of reach.
When I say I’m worried, it shuts down. She says “I’m just tired” or “Everybody forgets” and then changes the subject. It scares me that this is the start of dementia, but I also feel guilty, like I’m betraying her, even thinking about it.
I don’t know how to help her without feeling broken or less than. I’m afraid of what the diagnosis might mean for both of us, and yet I’m afraid of doing nothing.
How do I face the possibility that the person I love is changing like this and what on earth am I supposed to do next? — Watching him run away
Dear Followers: Your heart is exactly in the right place. You won’t betray your wife by noticing these changes. You love her by refusing to ignore them.
Getting lost on familiar roads, repeating questions, unpaid bills, and leaving the stove on are not just small slips. They are signs that something is going on. It could be early dementia, but it could also be something treatable, like a vitamin deficiency, a medication problem, or depression. You won’t know until a doctor takes a look.
The next step is a medical examination. Ask her to see her primary care doctor and offer to go with her. Write down specific examples before your visit so you don’t just rely on her seeming forgetful. Focus on care: “I love you and want to make sure there’s nothing we’re missing that we can help with.”
If he refuses, contact your doctor and share what you see. The doctor may not be able to tell you everything, but he can listen.
And please get support for yourself too. Carers’ groups and dementia organizations can offer both practical tips and a place to store your fears.
Whatever the diagnosis, the love you’ve built over 40 years is still real. Right now, loving her means talking and getting help, one step at a time.
“How can I forgive my cheating partner?” it’s out now! Annie Lane’s second anthology—featuring popular columns on marriage, infidelity, communication, and reconciliation—is available in paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.
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