Dear Erik: A friend is planning a second marriage. It will be his fiancee’s third time. Both are in their early 60s, have owned family homes for many years, and have reasonably well-paying jobs.
They are planning a bridal shower and have registered for gifts, including expensive kitchen equipment and utensils, china, glassware, lamps and living room furnishings. Things newlyweds in their 20s or 30s might need to get started. Not middle-aged adults with three past marriages and two homes in between.
Yes, the impropriety was discussed with them. When asked “why”, they say that the things they have are older; and since they are starting new together, they want things in their house to be new too. It doesn’t matter that by registering they are effectively asking others to pay to replace what they already have. My opinion is that this is a blatant case of “chutzpah”, Yiddish for “nerve” or “bile”.
Otherwise, they are nice and caring people, but I feel like they have failed and asked others to refurbish and furnish their home. If they invited me, I would be uncomfortable using their new dishes, glasses, etc. My feelings are telling me to cool our relationship. Am I overly critical of their plans?
– Give it up or give it up
Dear Dare: I am reminded of another Yiddish phrase that a friend once told me that translates to “money can buy everything except common sense.” It really takes a lot of nerve to ask friends and loved ones to trade in all of their perfectly fine stuff… but if their friends and loved ones do, it’s technically not harmful. No one is forced to buy a gift.
You certainly don’t have to buy them anything if you don’t want to. But I’m afraid I’ll let it ruin your friendship. Having chutzpah is not a crime. So maybe live and let live here. See if you can’t see it as something you wouldn’t do in their shoes, but maybe it’s not an insult that makes them unworthy of being your friend.
Send inquiries to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him at Instagram and subscribe to his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
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