Dear Erik: About 14 years ago, our son was seriously dating a woman that my wife and I absolutely adored. We both thought she would make a great wife and daughter-in-law.
She became the daughter we always wanted.
Then the indescribable happened. She was cheating on him. They broke up, still remained friends, but she claimed to have adopted us as her parents. She was estranged from her father and rarely spoke to her mother. She would come to visit us herself.
My son was fine with it and she still went to family dinners, events, even when my son brought a new girlfriend. Then she moved far away for work, but we kept in touch by phone and internet the whole time.
Then my son got engaged to a wonderful woman who we love dearly. But when he discovered that we were still in close contact with the other woman, he threw a fit of rage and almost demanded that we drop her off.
Now we are apart again. After a 14-year relationship, are we just going to drop this woman who has become a part of our lives? We were almost the only ones in her life.
what are we going to do
– Second parents
Dear Parents: The first thing you should do may be the hardest: talk to your son and ask him for his honest opinion on the last 14 years. That explosion didn’t come out of nowhere. You write that he was, for example, “sort of okay.” This raises big questions. How injured was he sitting all this time? Has he tried talking about it yet? what is ok
Give him space to express his feelings, acknowledge them, apologize if appropriate, and then talk about what happens next.
It’s not really fair for him to dictate who you can and can’t be friends with, but he has a painful past with this person, so more caution and clearer boundaries will be needed.
It all starts with clearing the air with your son. Just dumping his ex won’t solve his problem and will only cause you and her more pain. But this adoptive parent relationship was built on shaky foundations, so you’ll have to dig your way through before you can build.
Send inquiries to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him at Instagram and subscribe to his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
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