Dear Eric: A beloved member of my close group of friends has joined a drum group that plays events around town. He’s always group texting his besties telling us where and when he’s going to be and inviting us to come over.
I understand showing up to my creative friends when they play games (or write plays!) or play in bands (even mediocre 70s rock covers). I try to be there and support.
We all turned up when they played No Kings Day. I thought I had done my duty, but no. He keeps asking us to come to the next show. I’m happy for her that she found something that brings her joy, but it doesn’t bring us joy. Standing around and looking at the drummer doesn’t appeal to any of us. None of us want to hurt her feelings. I also feel guilty because she came to a lot of my storytelling gigs. How should we solve it?
– Super Trouper
Dear Trouper: I don’t think the group should be addressing this at all. It wouldn’t hurt in any way to have someone’s loved ones say en masse that they no longer want to come to our shows. And your friend’s enthusiasm doesn’t hurt. If it needs to be addressed, it should be done individually.
There are two big questions here: what do you expect of yourself when it comes to attending friends’ events, and what does your friend expect of her friends? For example, if she’s inviting you because she thinks you’ll like it, you’re in for something different than if she’s inviting you because it helps her put on a friendly face. Basically, are you there to be an audience member or are you there to be her friend?
Likewise, what do you expect from yourself? Even with text invites, you’re not actually obligated to do anything you’re not comfortable with. There are probably other ways your friendship is thriving. And if she bumps into you, then you can say you’re happy for her, but you’re not the best audience.
It might hurt her to hear that her offer isn’t going as well for you as she’d like. But this conversation is an opportunity for you to reaffirm that you support her efforts and remind her that the reason she got into this is because it brings her joy and so many others.
Send inquiries to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him at Instagram and subscribe to his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
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