Dear Erik: My current wife and I got engaged in 2020. My mother is a nurse and has asthma and has been deeply affected by the mental and emotional stress of the pandemic. She didn’t attend most wedding planning events and would always deal with germs, wear an N95 mask and keep her distance.
My wife reacted to the pandemic quite the opposite. It was more of a nuisance to her. There was no threat in her eyes. My wife started to get a feeling of abandonment by someone who was supposed to be her mother-in-law. She opened up to me about how much it hurt her and I told her that it wasn’t my mother’s fault and that she was just petrified by the pandemic and it was all she could do.
My wife told me I was taking my mother’s side. My wife sent hurtful messages and my mother just ended the relationship and blocked her.
My wedding was in October 2021. My mother faced a crowd of 155 people and attended without a mask. I was so proud of her. But my wife was upset because of her presence.
My wife and I still fight about this issue occasionally and the arguments are getting more intense. He still often says extremely hurtful things about my mother.
Mother’s thinking was extreme, but given that she worked in a nursing home and had asthma, it’s completely understandable. This is not believable according to my wife.
I am writing for advice to understand how to resolve this mess. Was I wrong in my initial reaction to my wife? I just don’t want it to destroy my marriage.
– Injuring husband and son
Dear Son: I am rarely so blunt, but your wife is being unreasonable and needs to get over it. Leaving aside any debate about public health policies during the first year of the pandemic, it is unfair that your wife holds a grudge against your mother for social distancing in a time of mandatory social distancing. Why is he taking the pandemic personally? Why couldn’t she develop a relationship with your mother that took your mother’s feelings into account?
how do you solve it? Suggest couples counseling to resolve issues between the two of you. A therapist can help you find new tools for communicating with each other.
At some point it may be helpful to invite the mother for a session to try to restart the relationship. There is something your wife wanted that she didn’t get. It’s understandable that she felt hurt, but she needs better, healthier strategies to deal with that hurt.
Send inquiries to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him at Instagram and subscribe to his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
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